Sometimes I don't know about this thing called life.  Just when I think I've got things figured out, I get bogged down again.  Between working long hours and not feeling good, I feel like I'm now getting nowhere.  I come home from work just exhausted.  This weekend I had big plans about cleaning the house and especially my craft room.  I had been pretty good about working in it a little while each evening.  But this weekend all I wanted to do was sleep.  And sleep I did.  Unfortunately I still feel tired.  It feels like every step I take I go back two.  But I remain slightly philosophical about it.  This to shall pass.

Summer is the busy season at work, so its been hard to get anything done.  I enjoyed working in my friend's shop the other weekend.  If I had been feeling better, it would have been a lot more fun.  Sales weren't fantastic, but there were a few repeat customers and a couple more that I expect will be back.  I think I'll start trying to go in at least one evening a week when things slow down at work a little bit.  Maybe even go in some weekends.  It will be easier once Derek is back to work.  THere is so much I need to learn about running a business like that.  I think this could be the creative outlet I've been looking for.  I can see a lot of possibilities for the shop.  I just have to figure out which ones are practical.  In talking to my friend about the shop, she wants me to be much more involved soon.  For now I'll do what I can.

The rest of my life seems to be falling into place a little better.  Working on my finances has helped.  Those seem to be in better shape now.  My next area to work on is time management.  I get distracted so easily that I have a hard time getting things done.  I've been trying to clean and organize my craft room for months now and it still looks like a disaster area.  Its too small for all my stuff for one thing.  Let alone my boyfriend's stuff.  If it were organized it would probably fit better.  At least that what I'm hoping.  I just have to figure out how I'm going to do that.  All my fabric is scattered all over.  Some of it is separated into projects that are planned with it.  But most of it is just stuffed wherever it will fit.  There needs to be a system to it.  I have drawers for it, but not enough.  I don't want to spend a lot of money on organizing, but I probably will have to spend some.  Besides the fabric, there is my yarn.  And my beads.  And my craft books.  And my cross stitch thread.  And my rug hooking material.  And my loom.  I don't think there is any way around it.  I need a bigger craft room.  Even with all the organizing I can do, I don't think there is enough room.  When we build our house that is one thing I will insist on.  A huge craft room.

With all this talk of craft rooms, I've been trying to keep up with my crafts, but without much luck.  There are too many other things going on.  I have managed to make fairly steady progress on my knitting project.  Its the one thing I've insisted on working on regularly.  I'm excited about finishing my wrap.  Part of the excitement is that I get to move on to another project when its done.  Plus I get to show off my handiwork.  Its one project I'm making for myself.  I don't do that very often.  I think all the other projects I have started are for other people. 

I have to get my craft room cleaned up and organized.  And soon.  Next month a couple of girls from work are coming over for a day of crafting and fun.  So I have to have it done by then.  Hopefully I can devote a whole day to it this weekend.  I need to sit down and draw up a plan.  Eventually I'd like to do classes.  This craft day with the girls is a taste of that.  I'm thinking about seeing if they want to make it a monthly thing.  We'll see how this first one goes.

There is another driving force behind it too.  An acquaintance has a daughter who is autistic.  The girl is a highly functional autistic, but has problems in school and at home.  Every time she sees me with my knitting, she wishes she could do it.  I would like to teach her either knitting or crochet.  But having never worked with anyone with autism, I don't know if I can or how to go about it.  Right now I don't have a whole lot of time to put into research either.  One more thing to put on the list to do this winter.  It would be neat do kind of a summer camp for kids eventually.  That is years in the future though.  Something to put on the back burner and think about for a while.  In the meantime, I have way too much to do.  And I keep thinking of more.

Another option has opened up for me.  I've started helping a friend out in her vintage clothing shop.  She has mentioned several times now that she eventually would like me to take over.  There are many possiblities for the shop.  First, though, I have to learn the business.  I don't think my friend will be ready to give up the shop for several more years anyway.  For now, I'll help her out and learn as much as I can. 

While I'm doing that, I can also build up my skills in my crafts.  I would like to start writing patterns for crochet.  I keep saying that is something I will do when I have more time.  There is research to do.  As well as the actual writing.  I just keep taking on too many projects. 

At the same time, if I would stick to a schedule and focus better I could get so much more done.  I've tried several different methods of scheduling and so far I haven't found one that works for me.  But I'm going to keep trying.  This time I'm going to use a timer and set goals for myself with rewards at the end.  But if I can focus on one thing for 15 to 30 minutes at a time, hopefully things will start getting done.  Not only will this help my get my projects done, but other things as well.  I have the time.  I just have to figure out a schedule I can live with. 

There are several ways I could do this.  I think the most productive way will be to sit down every Sunday and make a schedule for the week.  Its obviously a little late for this week.  However, I can still start using it.  It will just take a few minutes of planning.  I need to start making my lists of things that need to get done.  There will be things on there that will need to get done every day.  Other things will just be once a week.  Some will be done less often. 

Another thing I want to organize is my reading.  I want to keep track of the books I'm reading.  I already have a list of books I want.  That is something I need to update once a month or so.  I also want to start of list of movies I want. 

I'm hoping that by organizing my life it will flow a lot smoother.  I've been working on getting my finances organized, and that is falling into place.  Now its time to get the rest of my life organized.  It will flow better and the goal is to get more accomplished.

We shall see if it works.

Summer time is driving both my boyfriend and I completely crazy.  He has way too much time on his hands.  He found the perfect piece of property for us to build our dream home on.  If it were six months down the road it would work out wonderfully.  Right now it looks pretty impossible.  We just can't afford it.  I don't know how many times in the last two days he has told me that he wishes I could pick up more of the bills or that I was a teacher. 

The other problem is that I popped two ribs out last weekend and it hurts most of the time.  The doctor is working on them, but it takes time.  I over did it at work yesterday and paid for it today.  It is affecting everything.  I just want to go to bed right now, but I have a project to work on. 

I offered to help write a grant proposal for a local non-profit organization.  They are trying to preserve some local railroad history.  They have no funding, which makes it hard.  The members are very dedicated and end up paying the bills out of their own pocket.  If they could get a few grants it would ease things up a lot and give them some breathing room to get things done.  Unfortunately I'm coming on board a little late.  The most important grant proposal has to be finished by the middle of August.  That doesn't give me much time to work on it.  So tonight I have to finish the preliminary application and wait to hear back from them. 

I haven't had much time for my crafts.  I have just taken on too much.  Once school starts for my boyfriend I should have more time, because he won't be at loose ends so much and want me to spend all my free time with him.  I can hardly wait.

My boyfriend is gone this week, so I'm trying to get a few projects done while I have the house to myself.  The biggest one is organizing my craft room.  Stuff has just gotten shoved in there for the last few month because I don't take the time to put it where it goes.  So it is a mess.  I have more projects than I will probably ever finish.  I'm hoping that by organizing them I can at least get some of them finished.  If I make myself finish 2 before I start a new one at least I will have some incentive to get a few of them done.  The first two to get done will be my recycle swap project and my wrap.  The swap has to be done by the end of the month.  Thats why its at the top of my list to do.  Once I get those two projects done, I'm going to learn to knit socks.  Well, Christmas stockings anyway.  And for once I actually have someone to teach me.  I think that is a first.  Usually I learn it from books.  I think I'll also go back to some of my cross stitch projects.  I haven't worked on those for a while.  There are some that shouldn't take me long to finish.

I've come to another resolution as well.  I'm not going to spend anymore money on projects for the next two months.  If I don't have what I need to do the project it won't get done.  I'm trying to get out of debt.  I can't keep spending money on my hobbies and do that.  The sooner I'm out of debt, the sooner I can make a few dreams come true. 

I want to start looking at property next year to build on.  I hate living in someone else's house.  I want my own that I can paint any color I want (not white) and landscape my way.  Not to mention the whole thing with throwing money away in rent.  But all that hinges on me getting out of debt. 

There are other reasons to get things paid off.  I'm tired of never having any money.  I want to be able to do things without having to figure out where the money is going to come from.  I hate having to figure out which bills I can pay this month.  So no more shopping for a while.  Not even if I get depressed.  I wish I could get help handling it all.  This is not something I'm good at.  I need to make a budget and stick to it.  One more thing to do this week.

Or maybe it will wait.  I do need to sleep at some point.  I may not get everything done that I want to.  But at least I will have a start.  I think if I get my finances and my craft room organized, everything else will come together.  It may be a while before it shows, but I will be making headway.

I have trouble waiting.  I've always been that way.  I feel like I'm running out of time.  I know I'm young.  I know that life will happen.  But I want to figure it out NOW.  I have dreams that I want to work on.  It just takes time.  Most of them take money that I don't have yet.  Others take time.  I know they will happen.  I just have to be patient and work for now.  In small ways I'm now working on dreams that have had to be on the back burner for years.  My first goal for the next year is to pay off my credit cards.  That will give me more money to work on my dreams. 

Time is the other thing that is lacking in my dreams.  That will have to wait.  I am grateful for the full time job I have now.  It gives me regular hours, weekends off, and benefits.  This is the first time in almost ten years that I have had health insurance.  Its really a relief not to have to worry about getting sick.  I still don't want to miss work, but at least I know I can go to the doctor if I need to. 

However, teaching is looking a little more tempting.  June, July, and August could make up for a lot of crap.  It would give me time to travel, as well as other things.  That is something else that will have to wait though.  I don't have the money to go back to school at the moment.  The plans running around inside my head have me going back to school in another year and half.  By then I should have a few things paid off and will be able to focus on school.

For now I just have to remind myself that waiting can teach me things as well.  This can give me time to figure out what dreams come first.  Life happens.  It may not be the way I planned it growing up.  But this is so much better than all my plans.

Lately it seems all I can think about is what I want from life, what I want to do.  With my boyfriend pressuring me to get my teaching degree it isn't easy.  Plus throw in the fact that I'm 30 years old.  Sometimes I feel like I should have figured all this out years ago.  Its frustrating.

Most of my friends from high school went straight through college.  They have established careers.  Many of them have families.  And then here I have, 11 years out of high school, still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.

I've been through many phases.  In high school I wanted to take acting.  But I was never sure I was good enough.  I tried to convince myself that confidence was the gift God gave to the untalented.  It didn't work.  I gave up on that dream before graduation because I was scared of failure and I lacked the experience to get into a good acting school.  Or rather I thought I did.  I never tried. 

By graduation I had decided to pursue my writing and started my college career as a journalism major.  I decided I was much better at creative writing and left that dream behind.  I never thought I could make it as a novelist

I was back to square one.  I had no idea where my life was leading me.  For a while it got really bad.  I was depressed.  Nothing made sense.  Finally I went back to school with the goal of becoming an archaeologist.  That worked for a while.  I almost made it through.  Then I got side tracked.  At 23 I was engaged.  And my husband-to-be was the jealous type who would not be happy staying home while I was off at digs.  So another dream died.

Some people would wonder why, when I called off the wedding a year later, I didn't just go back to that dream.  Sometimes I wonder that myself.  But I had to get away and a year later when I came back I had a mission.  I was out to change the church I had grown up in.  I was going to be a pastor and make sure they remember their roots.  I decided it was time they got over the notion that women couldn't lead.  The church had been started by women.  It was time they remembered that.

At first it was great.  I had a mission.  I was going to change the world.  Three years later it was a far different story.  It had gotten progressively worse to the point that I totally lost faith.  There were too many contridictions.  Too many questions no one could or would answer.  I left.

After that I moved west with my boyfriend and thats where I am now.  Trying to figure out where I go from here.  At least now I have a steady job that will give me time to work it out.  I'm just impatient and want to be doing something now. 

Summer seems to be a good time for me to think about where I want my life to take me.  It would be a lot easier if I could just take some time to spent on my own.  My boyfriend is home all the time at the moment so its hard to get time to myself.  Some days getting my teaching license and getting a job at the school here looks pretty inviting.  June, July and August could make up for a lot of stuff.  At the same time, I don't know if it would make up for enough. 

Summer is also a good time for my projects.  My knitting is going very well.  I have to figure out how to add another color to it.  It shouldn't be that hard.  I have good books and pictures.  I need to get back to a few other projects that are in the works.  But maybe it is better to finish one before I start any more.  I need to finish a bunch of them before I start anything new. 

Summer is not a good time for me to garden.  Actually I'm beginning to think that no season is good for my garden.  I just can't seem to keep things alive for very long.  Oh well, I keep trying and everytime seems to get better.  Maybe one of these days I'll figure it out.

 

My boyfriend has been pressuring me to commit to getting my teaching degree.  Now that he is off for the summer he wants me to be as well so that we can do things.  In my job now, summer is the busy time.  That means I'm working more.  Not off like him.  Its hard to deal with the pressure.  At the moment I don't know what I want to do.  Its easy for him to think that teaching is so great.  I have to listen to him and all his fellow teachers complain about the kids, about the parents, about the administration.  As much as I would like to teach things like creative writing and history, I don't think I want to deal with all the hassles that go with it. 

I would rather teach older students who actually want to learn.  College would be nice, but I know how hard it is to get a full time job with a college.  I don't know what other options there are. 

I would love to teach my fiber arts.  But there again I don't know the options.  I've thought more about doing videos.  Actually that may come together.  A friend is willing to loan me a video camara.  What happens after that, I don't know.  I hope some friends will test them.  If it goes no further than that, at least I will know I tried. 

I did meet a lady that writes patterns.  She also represents some of the yarn companies.  Now that I have more of an idea about these things I wish I could talk to her for a little while. 

I know there must be many options out there for someone like me.  I just have to find them.  And right now I don't know how.

 

My mind has been working all day on how I could do the video crochet classes.  I know quite a bit about video because I have worked in television a couple different times in the past.  One of the things I keep forgetting is that I have connections here even though I have only been here for a year.  I worked part time at one of the local stations before I found my full time job.  I would just have to renew some of those friendships to get the help from that quarter.  Another idea I had was to take one of my crochet books and ask the author or authors if they would mind if I used their book in this project.  Some of it might require a little money to pull off.  I don't have any extra of that right now.  Although I have some lovely wool from New Zealand that I could make into something and try to sell.  I don't know if any of this will work.  My biggest problem is that I am impatient.  I want to do it now. 

One thing that I am doing now is learning to knit.  It is going better than I had expected it to.  I have 13 inches done on the wrap I am making.  The tension (my problem in the past) is just fine.  At the rate I'm going it should be done in another couple of weeks.  That is if I don't get sidetracked.  I am good at that.

I have come to realize that while I love writing and will continue to do it, it will never be more than a hobby.  Deadlines make me freeze up.  They don't do that for any of my other creative outlets, but for writing I just can't have them.  I've tried.  I want to get my first book done.  I've set deadlines for myself.  I can't write.  I've tried having little goals.  They just don't work.  I've tried writing everyday.  It works for about a week and then I freeze.  So, my writing will always be just for fun.